I am Amy, your biggest fan. Okay, I’m actually not your biggest fan. I really only know a handful of your songs, and I like even less than that. But I love you more than any of your other alleged fans. I love you to death. In fact, we are going to get married pretty soon.
I’m 16 and work in a fireworks tent selling … fireworks. And business is slow today so I decided I’d write you a letter. I just have a few suggestions I think would make our life together better, and after that I’m done. The rest of this thing will be a love letter.
1. Lose the skinny jeans. They are causing many girls to stumble, and others to puke. (I don’t mean take them off. That would cause even more girls to stumble. I just mean replace them with jeans you don’t have to have sewn on to your body.)
2. Wear more plaid shirts. You look really cute in them.
3. Don’t ever talk to Miley Cyrus again. I know that your whole “romance” was just a publicity thing. But I still thought I should warn you. She is a dangerous little teen pop sensation.
4. Tell Kevin that he should stick with the curly hair. Straight hair makes his nose look long and weird. I can’t believe you guys haven’t noticed that. Also on that note, Joe’s hair also looks better just a tad shorter.
5. I think that’s all the suggestions. I don’t know what you could do to improve your music, but it sure seems like there must be something.
6. Oh, I just thought of one more thing: Dummy Lovato. You know. Witchy Mitchy? (Don’t tell me you haven’t secretly called her that.) Yeah, the chick needs to go. She needs to go. And by the way, if she ever wants to be successful, she needs to leave a couple pounds of lip gloss at Camp Rock. And the gigantean smile. (I don’t actually know what “gigantean” means, but I think it means too big. Spell check is amazing.)
So now this is a love letter. I’ve got to admit it’s the first real love letter I’ve ever written. Is it a good letter? Or too short? No, it is a very good letter. And my sister didn’t help me with it! Okay, anyways. Here are some things I love about you:
1. Your hair. When I first saw you guys, I said “They are so ugly! But the curly headed one is kind of cute.” See, I have always loved your hair. Plus I’ve always wanted curly headed babies.
2. Your eyes. I’m not sure what exactly I love about them, but I feel like I do like them an awful lot. I don’t usually like brown eyes, but I like yours. (They are brown, aren’t they?)
3. Your nose. You have the nicest nose the Disney Channel has ever broadcast. Besides Shia Lebouf’s. HAHAHA! Just kidding.
4. Hmm, what else do I like about you? Not your clothes, that’s for sure. Although I do understand that you’re a rock star and all that, so you have to wear those silly clothes. Oh, I know! I like your voice. It is sexy.
5. Out of all of you and your brothers, you are the prettiest, hottest, cutest, sexiest, and most gorgeousest. (Joe is the funniest, and Kevin is the funniest-looking. So sorry, you don’t get those two prizes. Oh well. Can’t have everything.)
6. You have really nice arms for a fifteen-year-old. I did not notice that. Someone else did, but now I realize that it is true.
7. I love “SOS.” I sing it all the time. I also just heard your song about “you’re the reason I go to school,” but if I understood correctly, you don’t go to school.
Now it is time for a few questions.
1. Where do you want to live after we grow up and get married? (I am closer to being grown up than you are because I’m older and girls are more mature than boys.) I like Colorado, if that’s all right with you. My ideal dream would be to own a little shop in a little tourist town and scam all the tourists (ha!). But if you still want to be a rock star at that point in life, I will gladly sacrifice all that and adjust to a different lifestyle. Heck, it would be kind of cool.
2. When would you like to get married? Legally, I can get married right now. But I realize that you can’t.
3. That brings me to another question. Does our age difference bother you? I’m about six months older than you. It doesn’t bother me. It’s never stopped me before. Actually, you will probably die before me, so the younger you are than me, the better. Does that make sense?
4. How many kids do you want? I come from a big family, so I like big families an awful lot. However, my sister always says that if you’re going to have a ton of kids, you should make sure they’re all good-looking. I don’t know. I think our gene pools should be fine. I’m fairly good-looking and it goes without saying that you’ve got some good looks. And what I don’t have in good looks, I guess I make up for in personality.
5. Are you pretty smart? I sure hope so. I don’t want stupid kids. Not that I wouldn’t like them, but I would rather have smart ones. I read that your favorite subject is geology, and I barely know what that is. So I guess you’re smarter than me, at any rate. I’m pretty smart in some things but not really in others (i.e., common sense isn’t one of my best subjects.)
6. Are you well-balanced and stable? I’m not. I pretend to be, but it would be lovely if you actually were.
Now I will tell you a little about myself which you might want to know since we’re getting married and all.
1. I have a loud voice. Like hear you in New York loud. I was partly born that way and the other part comes from having a deaf grandma. I have to talk above everybody else. Otherwise no one will listen to me.
3. I am the best burper I know. Twelve-year-old boys are jealous of my mad skills. It’s my one talent. Besides FreeCell, at which I rock.
4. Okay I lied. I also have another talent. I’m fast with a fork. That is to say, I eat really fast. Faster than anyone I know. But nobody gets jealous of that talent, because what’s the point?
5. Okay another talent: winking. I guess I was just born with a super cute wink. It slips out sometimes when there is just a really, really cute boy. Believe me, I’ve winked at you on the TV plenty of times.
6. All right, just one more. I’m very thrifty. Or cheap and poor, whichever word you want to use. I’ve never bought a pair of pants for more than $20 bucks or a shirt over $15.
7. Good golly I’m actually a lot more talented than I thought I was! What a great feeling.
8. Last thing: I have a good soul.
9. I have very cool friends. You will like them. Some of them do not like you. Those aren’t invited to the wedding.
10. You will like my family. My family will like you, too. My grandma said that your hair is acceptable, which is a great big compliment coming from her.
Well Nick Jonas, I guess this is the end of my love letter to you. There’s nothing left to say. While I sit here in this tent sweating buckets, the only thing that comes to mind is: I love you, no matter what people say about you. I’ll talk to you later, Sexy. Stay sexy, Sexy.
P.S. Please tell Joe that my sister Sarah sends all her love. And a great
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