This week, Patrol is excited to announce a new Friday feature. Not only will we bring you the best music from the previous week, but also a handy summary to everything that happened on TV! Watch lots of shows? Write about them! We’re currently accepting contributors for This Week On TV, and we’ll always need back-ups. For more info, send an email to feedback@patrolmag.com. Lots more shows coming next week!

Saturday Night Live (Saturdays 11:30 Eastern, NBC)

A marked improvement over the painful season premiere (which was mostly Michael Phelps’ fault—awful, just awful) this week’s SNL was a welcome return to form. Opening with a biting (but mostly fair) skit about the acrobatic truth found in some of the more recent campaign ads, the show reminded us of what it still does best—political humor. James Franco proved a pretty engaging host; basing the monologue on his college experience was a clever way to go, and he was particularly good in the very CW-like digital short, where his brooding demeanor had an embarrassing origin (with a funny cameo by Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively). “Weekend Update” was solid as usual with some tenacious character work by Fred Armisen as the lecherous founder of American Apparel. For my money, Amy Poehler and Seth Myers have wrested the “best fake news” crown from Jon Stewart. SNL’s news is always politically even-handed with diverse material and fun characters, all of which is, most importantly of all—funny. Other highlights included a succinct skit about the O.J. Simpson jury selection, a great Scorsese impression in a “Remembering Yankee Stadium” bit as well as a pretty funny Spider-man send-up with Bill Hader pulling off a brilliant impression of Willem Dafoe.—Donny Sparrow

Gossip Girl (Mondays 8 Eastern, The CW)

It’s the first day of school at Upper East Side School for the Obscenely Rich, and Blair is reading through “applications” to join the posse (want to get rejected? Wear something last season or have the New York Knicks’ owner for a father). Serena and Dan, who inexplicably broke up in a dark elevator last week, are in full-form awkwardness: he meets a dreadful girl named Amanda who shares his geeky literary passions as S tearfully watches around corners. Blair takes up for S by attempting to sabotage Dan’s new friend, but Serena protests. Finally, they all go out to a club (where 15-year-olds guzzle top-shelf martinis), and things go really bad: Dan is a terrible conversationalist, Serena decides to hit on people, and Blair’s bitches pour nair into Amanda’s hair. S takes a sharp turn of character and decides to retake control of B’s posse. Soul-piercing stares, slow-motion entrances, and the school’s complete ostracization of Dan ensue. Meanwhile, everybody and their mom, son, and brother is banging the Duchess, including her stepson (and Blair’s serious boyfriend) Lord Marcus. Blair blackmails the Duchess into leaving the country and paying Nate’s dad’s bail, solving everybody’s problems, but whoopsies! Vanessa, who originally discovered the Duchess and Marcus going at it, gets tired of waiting and spills it all to the Duke! So everybody’s mad, sad, lonely, and poor. Oh, and Chuck plotted all of it to get S back in power and B in his bed. And that was the best episode in Gossip Girl history.—David Sessions

90210 (Tuesdays 9 Eastern, The CW)

This recent twist on the iconic 1990’s classic starts when two of the show’s main characters, Annie and Dixon, move to the famous zip code from Kansas so their father can care for his ailing mother. The predictable gossip, condescension, and sabotage ensues—mostly spurred by queen bee, Naomi. Welcome to West Beverly High School! This episode focuses on Annie and Ty’s (like—the most popular boy in school!) budding relationship, even as the sexual tension between Annie and Ethan—Naomi’s boyfriend—reaches new highs. Annie ends up being Adrianna’s (the show’s obligatory emo character) understudy for the female lead in a West Beverly High production of Spring Awakening. Nerves start getting the best of her despite the fact she is only in the chorus and this leads to a make out session with Ty at play practice, which is awkwardly broken up by her father (coincidentally the principal of West Beverly). Long story short—Adrianna is a drug user. When she gets high before the show’s opening, Annie plays the lead. She then decides to have sex with Ty at the after party, conveniently located at a hotel, when she determines Evan is “happy” with Naomi. However, a jealous Adrianna thwarts her plan by telling Ty that Annie left the play kissing Evan. The episode ends with Annie at home, still a virgin and in tears. What a hard life! —Heather Orlando

The Office (Thursdays 9 Eastern, NBC)

In a clever twist of tricks we were treated to a two month week by week catch up last night, as Scranton competed against the other Dunder Mifflin branches in a summer long weight loss competition. Michael continued his subtle pursuit of awkward friendship romance with Holly, while Jim finally popped the question to Pam, and Angela played cheater to her more-and-more-likable fiance Andy, booty paging Dwight for Warehouse quickies at her every whim. Temp gone exec gone criminal gone douchebag Ryan Howard replaced Pam as she started a three month design course in New York, by replacing Ronnie, Pam’s hilariously short-lived replacement. Awful gotees hid behind every turn, Kelly cemented her place as one of the funniest and most underrated characters, and Toby was shown (stupidly for the last time ever) laid up in a Costa Rican hospital after breaking his neck three days into his trip. —Jordan Kurtz

Grey’s Anatomy (Thursdays 9 Eastern, ABC)

Meredith is trying not to be so effed up so she tells Derek they should move in together. Then she says no because she’s afraid of having Derek’s perfect-haired children, then yes. Christina doctors a badass army surgeon who staples his own leg shut with no anesthetic. Christina tells Mer she is sick of Mer-Der drama. The gods judge her for this blasphemy and she gets impaled by an icicle. Badass Army Guy yanks out the icicle and then they make out. Erica and Callie discuss their lesbo kiss. This is their first lesbo kiss so this makes them lesbo-virgins, which makes them the first non-sluts on Grey’s Anatomy ever. Rose is mad at Derek for dumping her and McSteamy says Rose is a little dead mouse that McDreamy should just throw away. Rose stabs Derek’s hand with a scalpel and tell him she’s preggers. (Liar!) Lexie is so in love with George now, but their relationship is doomed because it’s impossible to combine their names into a cutesy couple moniker like “Addisex.” This entire time, really ancient dames are wandering around in bloody ball gowns. They’re all screwing each other’s husbands, but they make up and are all BFF by the end. There were surgeries, too.—Alisa Harris


Jordan Kurtz is a Patrol music editor. Heather Orlando is an assistant at TV Guide in New York. David Sessions is the editor of the Patrol. Alisa Harris is the deputy editor of Patrol. Don Sparrow is a freelance writer and illustrator in Saskatchewan.

 
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Alisa Harris

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