Gossip Girl (Mondays 8PM Eastern, The CW)
Blair is all snooty because she’s to Yale and Serena isn’t. But unbeknownst to B, S has a handwritten letter of acceptance and, annoyed by Blair’s competitive insults, decides to show up for her interview after all. Blair is so upset at the sight of S that she bombs hers, bashes Serena to the Dean, bribes his elderly ceramic-cat-collecting assistant into inviting her to the Dean’s Party. Meanwhile, Dan is one recommendation letter short, so he’s off in search of an T.A. to read his stories and write him another. She’s busy bedding Nate, who has pretended to be Dan all day because everyone has the hates for his trust-fund-ruining swindler of an Archibald father. Chuck is trying to convince Skull & Bones idiots that he’s all that, but they’ll only be impressed if he brings them infamous Nate Archibald. C sets up Dan, at whom he’s still angry about the story incident, instead. Nate eventually rescues a naked, bound Dan—leading to N huffily telling Chuck he can ride home alone because Lonely Boy is “pretty cool.” Back in New York, Little J surrenders to her dad about school, but orchestrates him meeting Lily, who, in a sexy dress, tells him he should let her homeschool. He obliges instantly. A vicious game of tit-for-tat breaks out between S and B at the Dean’s party, leading to brief blows on the front porch, and then, a lot of tear-stained, sappy making up the next morning. Serena turns down early acceptance unless B comes, too, C exposes the Skulls to the press, and everybody has atoned for their mind-blowing inappropriateness.—David Sessions

 

America’s Next Top Model (Wednesdays 8PM Eastern, The CW)
Between DVR and full episodes available on the Internet, it’s hard to understand the point of this week’s recap episode. The never-before-seen footage is generally blah material that didn’t make it in the first cut. Best moment: Sheena’s hair falling out. The chemicals the stylists use to dye her hair make her hair fall out—in chunks. The producers should’ve played with the makeover mishap—zoom in to the clumps of hair in the sink!—to make it more dramatic. Everyone loves to see bad things happen to pretty girls. (Side note: The makeover does not make Sheena look fierce.) Weirdest moment: Tie between Elina and Hannah. Elina names her newly made-over hair. Even weirder, the other girls in the house begin referring to Elina’s hair by its name. In what was probably supposed to be sweet but took a turn into Crazy Land, Hannah carried around a jar of Alaskan Pixie Dust that her mom had given to her to protect her from the mean girls in the competition. Okay, then. (Crave something new?  Check out the brewing feud between Tyra and Cycle 5’s Kim Stolz. And watch for Nigel Barker on next Tuesday’s Privileged.)—Stephanie Nikolopoulos

 

Grey’s Anatomy (Thursdays 9PM Eastern, ABC)
Derek is trying to move in with Meredith but he can’t do anything right, like leave Meredith’s mean mom’s diary where he found it. Alex is mad at Izzie for saying he’s a good person, so he steals Izzie’s brain tumor patient. Izzie sputters and pouts and flails her arms and McSteamy drops this wisdom from his sardonic, nicely-shaped lips: “Surgery’s like the Wild West. Karev’s a cowboy. You’re not.” George notes that the Wild West also had saloon whores and that Izzie should use her God-given gifts, so she manipulates her patient into dumping Karev. Erica asks Callie out on a date and hints at lesbo activities afterwards. In a moment of truly terrible weakness, Callie pours out all her insecurity to Dr. Bailey. Of all people. Who gives Callie a convoluted sex talk involving a lot of traveling and foreign territory and embassy metaphors. Cristina discovers the dermatology ward, where everything is warmth and light and people walk around in peach-colored scrubs getting hand massages. Meredith lies to Erica about her surgery experience. Erica says, “Lie to me again and the next heart you see will be your own as I cut it out of your chest with a steak knife.” Whoa! And Cristina sums it all up: “We are not happy glowy people.” Yeah.—Alisa Harris

 

The Office (Thursdays 9PM Eastern, NBC)
The office is throwing a shower for Jan’s soon-due baby and there’s drama from the start. Andy mistakes Phyllis’ happy baby picture for Angela, who was a fat and sulky baby. Michael tells Holly he’ll have to be mean to her so that Jan won’t get jealous, and Stanley compares his own physical discomfort to a pregnant woman’s. When Jan walks in, everyone’s shocked because the baby—hippily named Astrid and hilariously mispronounced, well, guess—is already born and cruising in a $1,200 stroller. (Too bad the whole office chipped in to buy a way crappier stroller.) The party devolves into everyone staring at Jan while she sings to Astrid. Dwight is contemptuous of the $1,200 stroller so he straps a watermelon inside and tries to prove that it’s not indestructible. Jim is having communication difficulties with Pam—NBC’s attempt to inject romantic tension. Michael holds Astrid and doesn’t feel a connection to her—because he’s not her baby daddy, Darryl notes. Jan wakes up from a nap under the tablecloth and tells Michael not to date Holly. He asks her out anyway, and Holly says yes.—Alisa Harris

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Alisa Harris is deputy editor of Patrol and teaches journalism at The King's College in Manhattan. Stephanie Nikolopoulos is a writer and editor in New York. David Sessions is the editor of Patrol.

 
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Alisa Harris

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