Yes, Scanner readers, we are well aware of your opinions on Gossip Girl. We are also aware that you think I (David) am a girly man for watching it, and that we (David/Alisa/et al) only exhibit our shallow minds and unevolved tastes by writing about it. Thus, we have not written about it in a good while. (65 days to be exact.)

But alas, we are still recovering from a stressful, frenetic political season. And what better way to get back to normal than by vicariously living the extravagant lives of our imaginary New York neighbors? Particularly the most absurd, unrealistic, laughable, comical episode in its history? And even more to the point, how can you not love a show that leads to conversations (if we may insult the term) like this?

Alisa: i liked this gossip girl episode

David: i think it's the most unbelievable one yet
plus it tries to have it both ways
everything be horrible and angsty
and then everybody have a tidy happy ending by the end

Alisa: i wonder which is more unbelievable – jenny's guerilla fashion show succeeding or dan and new york mag

David:  i think probably dan and nymag
but the correct answer is neither

Alisa: what's unbelievable then?

David: lots of it
jenny just standing there while agnes burns the dresses in slow motion

Alisa: that's true – screeching "what are you doing?"

David: bart bass ever speaking to dan

Alisa: eleanor going for cyrus

David: bart and chuck both being like, "please don't" to DAN HUMPHREY
when it would have been more like dismemberment on the spot
although one nymag commenter had a good point about bart being jealous of rufus

Alisa: true – that's how dan manipulated him

David: jealous that rufus was lily's true love, which he clearly still is
and so when dan brought up his dad
bang
ok, so maybe that wasn’t so loopy, but definitely the brass-knuckles Bass men sit on the couch and pout while sensitive Dan marches out with the dirt

Alisa: with the flames in the background
nice touch
also crazy: serena not being ok with casual relationships
cyrus producing aaron

David: cyrus and eleanor being that in love out of nowhere
blair waldorf deciding he's "not that bad”

Alisa: serena going for a guy who doesn't wash his hair

David: also, pa letting jenny walk out of the house a second time
men are stronger than skinny 15 year old girls

Alisa:  i think aaron is still annoying

David: i was liking him
the map thing was kind of genuinely romantic, even if …. times square (?!)

Alisa: i know
i mean … it's a lot of things, but i wouldn't call it "beautiful"
i've heard the cloisters are beautiful

David: but yeah, the whole "i like to date several girls at a time"
who SAYS that to the hottest one

Alisa: i think the way he talks is kind of annoying

David: and the 'stache
the dreadful stache.
so beneath serena.

Alisa: yeah, dan is so much better
he like, writes for new york mag
so much better than making stupid indie art

David: but another daily intel commenter had a good line about her "i don't do condescending moral speeches" spiel—"um, you DATED DAN HUMPHREY."

Alisa: haaa
and she also broke up with him while his moral superiority swelled in a small space
that sounds … dirty
sorry

David: true, and that happened for reasons we still are ignorant of
but my guess is that it was that very thing
can anyone stand dan?

Alisa: vanessa i guess
but can anyone stand vanessa?

David: absolutely not
which means
* trumpets *

Alisa: they're PERFECT

David: supposedly next week is when a character dies

Alisa: i'll bet it's eric van der woodsen

David: that would be a fitting end to such a weak plot line
but my guess is bart or rufus

Alisa: rufus?
noo
i guess jenny could forgo the whole parent-divorcing thing
convenient

David: either way would shake things up
bart, especially – clearing the way for TRUE LOVE

Alisa: ohhhhh

David: annnnd a very akward dan/serena siblinghood
actually maybe not
i think they work much better as siblings
that's what they acted like

Alisa: except they made out all the time
but whatev

David: i think an excellent plotline would be a really pervy rufus / vanessa ordeal

Alisa: i know
i've thought that
they have all these heart to hearts in that café
they're the only decent people
why not hook up?

David: also a) it's been endlessly foreshadowed
b) it's been done before … ie, nate/duchess 
c) it's time both of them lose some of that moral superiority

Alisa: definitely
i hope eleanor and cyrus get married
which would make blair and aaron siblings

David: which would be AWESOME.

Alisa: ha
i love blair more and more – i think she's my favorite
she has all the best lines 
“i wanted a harry winston choker for my birthday, and instead i got a conscience"

David: she has totally overtaken serena as the most sympathetic character
especially now that she's being nicer
it makes her seem really elegant and classy

Alisa: yeah
with a splash of b—

David: which, really, is what every perfect woman should be
a lightning-wit b—, just slightly under control

Alisa: yup

David: and it would be a travesty for us to be the only ones who read this brilliance
so. blog post.

Alisa: lol
the gossip girl haters will loooove this

David: all the more reason to do it

* * * 

We're still not entirely sure what possessed us to share this. We have no idea, actually. You may deal with us in the comments.

 
About The Author

Alisa Harris

0 Responses to Mental Health Break: Ridiculous Analysis of This Week’s Ridiculous ‘Gossip Girl’

  1. Alisa says:

    I don’t know how accurate it is to call this a “Mental Health Break.” Since it’s such probing analysis and everything.

  2. Nathan says:

    this site used to all be about the musics. you guyz are horrible. i hate gossip girls. i hate patrol. quit talking about politics. why can’t you be like you used to? are you all just closet liberals? and girly men? <love>

  3. Timothy says:

    From someone who (imagine that) doesn’t watch the show this makes absolutely no sense.

  4. David says:

    I almost included a note in there to say this is exponentially more entertaining to someone who has no idea what we’re talking about.

  5. John Wofford says:

    I can only imagine what will happen next week in the riveting follow-up installment to DAVID & ALISHA BLOG SOAP OPERAS. Very nice. Now. I’m going to go read Pitchfork’s likewise in-depth analysis of Dawson’s Creek re-runs.

  6. Timothy says:

    haha, good one John . . . Dawson’s Creek re-runs.

  7. David says:

    @John: That is an inspired idea. Blogging soap operas? Who wants to help?

  8. John Wofford says:

    I do, I do! DAYS of OUR LIVES is actually loaded with fantastic metaphors concerning the human condition.

  9. David says:

    And probably also the condition of the human anatomy.

  10. Alisa says:

    Grey’s Anatomy is great for that too. So educational.

  11. Stephen C. Berry says:

    so…Starflyer 59 is getting close to releasing Dial M. Have you heard the songs from the Ghosts of the Future EPs? They’re pretty great!

    Deerhoof, Bloc Party, Mount Eerie, and of Montreal all just released some pretty sweet albums…

    Ticketmaster is getting rid of their hated service charges!

    there’s a “best of” Switchfoot album coming out? What the hell does that mean?

    Christian bands are funny. Casting Pearls changed their name to VOTA! hahahaha

    Former Jimi Hendrix Experience drummer, Mitch Mitchell has passed away…

    (these are some of the things going on in music while you watch gossip girl. thanks TV GUIDE)

  12. David says:

    Oh no! Who leaked our editorial memo?! JORDAN KURTZ!!

  13. Alisa says:

    It’s too bad this didn’t include the conversation where David tried to use the phrase “inversely proportional” when discussing the ratio of a character’s virtue to the annoyance we feel towards them. It was DEEP. And mathematical.

  14. Jordan says:

    Fastest 13 comments ever. The system works. So first I get blamed for leaking the editorial memo, then you steal my IM-convo-as-an-article idea. If I had known you’d use it for evil instead of good I would’ve never let you edit it out of that review. (Take THAT hard working editor!)

    Are the rumors true? I heard Patrol is being bought out by Perez Hilton. Thoughts?

  15. Alisa says:

    If Patrol was being bought out by Perez Hilton wouldn’t we actually be making money off that deal? If so, then no. All lies.

  16. Nathan says:

    can we be bought out by Perez?
    i want to see david with pink hair.
    it’d be h<3t

  17. Mark P says:

    a. Gross.

    b. of Montreal’s album was definitely not good. I’ve always hated the band but had to admit that I enjoy their music. So this is a really great turn of events for me. I can hate them for their lousy album as well as their all-around repulsive odor. And, mind you, there’s nothing endearing or charming about their repugnance.

Leave a Reply

Set your Twitter account name in your settings to use the TwitterBar Section.