After avoiding this disease like pretty girls avoided me throughout middle school and high school, the unthinkable happened: I caught the psychotic epidemic that strikes the nation every year and reduces all those infected to hysteric school girls for two nights a week—American Idol. It’s true, ladies and gentlemen, and it is for this reason that I shoved the slow-moving lady with the Trader Joe’s bags out of my way so I could squeeze into the spot she meant to occupy in the uptown 3 train.  If you are reading this, Slow-Moving-Trader-Joe’s-Bag-Carrying-Lady I would like for you to know: never again make the mistake of walking that slowly with your recently bought groceries in front of someone when they have to get home and watch American Idol.

Much to my chagrin, however, I turned on my television to sadly realize that instead of Simon, Paula, Randy and that New-Judge-That-No-One-Ever-Remembers-Her-Name, I was about to watch President Barack Obama talk about important things that matter.  How intrusive. How un-American. So I did the next best thing to paying attention to him; I live blogged about his “historic” first address to Congress. These are the highlights:

9:00 pm. Switched from Fox to NBC to watch the Presidential Address to Congress.  I wanted the “objective” telecast.

9:03 pm. Mrs. Obama walks in looking very toned and gets a “rousing” ovation from the crowd.  Her personal trainer will get a bonus this year, even if it comes out of the stimulus package.  I’m calling it.

9:05 pm. Hillary Clinton walks in looking as she’s always looked.  Not quite the same reception.  Her personal trainer clearly doesn’t exist.

9:07 pm. Commentators are gushing over Justice Ginsberg being in attendance after just having had surgery.  There is no joke to be made about this matter.  Except that Obama must be disappointed no upcoming appointment scandal is in sight now that Justice Ginsberg is back on the job.

Commentators mention Speaker Pelosi’s introduction of Captain Sully Sullivan before the whole shebang began; this is very important as Capt. Sullivan has become America’s de facto lucky charm.  Move over Giuliani.

9:10 pm. Obama is announced: “Madame Speaker, the President of the United States” The crowd applauds like Lauren Conrad, Blake Lively and Beyonce just walked in.  Obama comes in smiling, shaking hands, kissing babies, giving the “hey, bro” finger-point to congressmen, apparently he never found the off-switch from campaign-mode.

He’s barely taken 3 steps but has shaken 30 hands, hugged 15 women, and kissed more than a dozen babies all while committing to memory everything that every congressman is whispering into his ear.  He’s not human.

9:15 pm. Commentators are scrambling to fill in air-time while Obama slowly walks down the aisle.  So slowly that arranged-marriage-brides have clocked in faster times.  They resort to telling us that he will speak for one hour in a FDR-like simple fireside chat style.  I am subconsciously prompted to grab a blanket even though there is no actual fireside.  The Force is that strong in him.  Obarack wan Kenobi.

9:16 pm. Finally he takes the stage and gives the obligatory “Thank you” to the crowd.  He’s a Rock Star.  The standing ovation is clocking well over 30 seconds and the thank you count is at 10…11….he asks the crowd to STFU. Pelosi is gushing as he presents The President of the United States.  More hearty applause…3 more thank you’s…4…5…6 and one “very much.”

9:17 pm. He immediately plunges into addressing the economy after he sexily flirts with Mrs. O who looks down from the balcony. 

9:18 pm. Some of his first quotables: “The Impact of this economy is everywhere” and “We will rebuild, we will recover, and the United States will emerge stronger than before” Everyone stands in applause. My heart is moved. 

9:20 pm. Obama asks the country to take responsibility for our future once more.  I censor even my thoughts in response to that. In other news, he’s wearing a sharp dark navy blue suit with a crisp white shirt and a red tie with white stripes. Classic.

9:21 pm. I can’t tell by the constant gulping and swallowing that she’s doing if Pelosi is moved to tears or if she is thirsty. She is obviously hungry because she is biting her lips a lot. Biden, meanwhile, keeps on looking down into his lap, probably to read his advisor’s text messages instructing him how to not mess this up for Obam-bam.

9:23 pm. Obam-bam mentions something about his economic agenda, something about it beginning with jobs, putting people into work and money in their pockets. Sounds like a plan so far. 

9:25 pm. Obam-bam declares The American Something Recovery Act is now law.  Standing ovation.  This is becoming  common practice.  Camera shot of John Kerry hating his life, like someone forgot to tell him that it’s been five years since he lost to Bush.

  • Obam-bam stimulus package highlights: 57 cops in Minneapolis still have a job.  Thank you. What about the 3,000 NYC cops that just got cut for next year?
  • Tax cuts on paychecks by April 1st.  I’ve started to look for an iPhone application to count this down
  • Extended unemployment benefits and healthcare coverage.  Who’s paying for this? Oh yeah, we are.
  • Vice president leads the stimulus package spending oversight effort because according to Obam-bam nobody messes with Joe.  Is he right? Of course he is.  A round of cokes and Smiles for the house on Obam-bam.  Call me nostalgic or crazy but I would feel better about this oversight effort if Cheney and his shotgun were still around.  I dunno.

9:26 pm. Pelosi is trying to hold smiles back like a flirtatious school girl while

Hillary is shown blinking 20,000 times a minute.  She looks determined to not fall asleep as she daydreams of being the one delivering this.

9:32 pm. “Days of execs flying in private jets are over.”  Everyone jumps to their feet not realizing that it’s their jets that Obama is talking about.  I am convinced that there are stage hands holding “CLAP NOW” blinking signs like there used to be at MTV’s TRL.  No one can tell me otherwise.

9:34 pm. Obam-bam: “It’s not about helping banks, it’s about helping people.” 40 millionth standing ovation.  If standing up before everyone in an ovation was an Olympic sport Pelosi would be that event’s Usain Bolt.

9:35 pm. “It’s time to reform our outdated regulatory system.  It is time.  It is time.”  He meant to go on to say something else but that sounded eloquent enough.  There’s clapping going on and Obam-bam looks satisfied with his delivery, like Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets when he meant to compliment Helen Hunt but ended up saying the nicest thing anyone had ever said to her.

9:37 pm. Pelosi’s margin of victory in beating everyone to their feet is so large that she starts defiantly throwing up her hands and beating her chest.  Oh wait…

9:38 pm. ANOTHER standing ovation started by Pelosi.  Even “Wave” starters at the World Cup are not on her level. She double pumps in hesitation over ANOTHER standing ovation, can’t control herself and decides to go for it like a teen boy unable to stop himself from lunging blindly into his first kiss.  I feel like the teenage girl being lunged into—uncomfortable.

9:42 pm. Obam-bam calls the United States the nation that invented the automobile.  Quick! Someone Wikipedia that. He mentions the problems with healthcare. Finally, a deserved standing ovation. Pelosi is on cue. Of course.

9:46 pm.“Half of the students that start college don’t finish it.  This is the prescription for economic decline.” True, and scary.

9:48 pm. Tonight he asks of every U.S. American to take at least one year of higher education and declares that dropping out of high school is not just quitting on yourself but quitting on your country.  The second deserved SO.

9:52 pm. Obam-bam allows himself a smile after making a statement about not passing on debt to children.  Crowd cheers at apparent “debt we inherited” jab.

9:57 pm. Obam-bam declares: “for 7 years we’ve been a nation at war, no longer will we hide its price.”  I was unaware the price was playing hide-and-go-seek. “I will not allow terrorist to plot against Americans from safe havens across the world.  We will not allow it.”  I’m glad he went on the record to say this.  It was previously unclear where he stood on my safety.

9:59 pm. Crowd is still standing and clapping after comment about bringing back troops.

And Pelosi leads the charge on the standing ovation after the comment about giving war vets extended healthcare they deserve. While this would have been an appropriate standing ovation, it is now tainted.

10:01 pm. He’s still talking about international relations….what? I thought he was only going to talk for an hour according to the commentators.  Liars.

10:03 pm. Finally clapping (and a late SO), after anectdote about Miami banker who gave out his own bonus to workers.  This must’ve come at the realization that that Miami banker was actually in attendance.

10:09 pm. Obama ends epic address and the world stands in ovation.  NBC commentator

David Gregory is quick to come on and give us his expert opinion on what Obam-bam just said … also known as just re-stating everything that was just said. Thanks for the expertise DG..

10:14 pm. Obama is signing autographs.  I repeat, signing autographs.  To his former colleagues.  Your United States president ladies and gentlemen


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