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DEAR JAMES Franco’s Brother,
I know your real name is David John Franco. Or as I like to call you, Davy. I hope you don't mind me calling you Davy, and not “Dave,” your professional name. But when I met you at the Tribeca Film Festival, that’s how you introduced yourself. You can only make one first impression, and you chose to compare yourself to a legendary frontiersman. Albeit, it was a lasting one. Anyway, I have to refer to you as James’ Brother for all the people who will read my love letter because not everyone will look you up on IMDB.
It's been two years since we met, but I have yet to get you off of my mind. Here are some of the thoughts living in my Davy-filled brain:
You are the true star of the Franco family. To me, it doesn’t matter that your older brother, James, is a Golden Globe winner and compared to James Dean on a regular basis. It doesn’t matter that your mother, Betsy, is a successful author of children's books. Or even that your middle brother, Tom, is a talented sculptor and is illustrating your mother’s first young adult novel due later this year. It is you who holds the true talent.
Upon meeting, you mentioned you were in a small film called Superbad. It turns out the only thing “small” about Superbad was your part. But, baby, it’s large in my heart. I know James probably paid Seth Rogen to put you in it, but I have to say… it was my favorite seven seconds of the movie. It takes a real man to admit he wets the bed. You make lack of bladder control sexier than Fergie ever could. When we get married I vow to never forget to buy you Depends. You can depend on me (See what I did there? I’m also funnier than you, but you’ll still be the man in our relationship.)
I should probably confess that I haven’t seen Milk yet (it’s on my to-do list along with picking up your Depends), but I saw on IMDB that you played Telephone Tree #5. I wonder what James had to pull to get you that role. It sounds really intense, much more intense than James’ small role of Harvey Milk’s lover. I mean, he just had to kiss another guy while you had to be a telephone and a tree. At the same time! That takes real acting skills. And I’m sure when the Academy was thinking about Sean Penn for the Best Actor nomination, you popped into their minds. They probably just felt the award wasn’t deserving of you. Yeah… I’m positive that’s it.
Before I end this, I just want you to know, even though I don’t watch you on Privileged every week, I know you’re making me proud. After all, those “Acting With James Franco” lessons had to get you somewhere. And personally, I think they need to start “Acting with Davy Franco and Wife” where you can teach me how to be a telephone and a tree. I still can’t get over that.
All my love, hugs, kisses, texting <3’s and dramatic sighs,
Mrs. Jame—um, I mean Davy Franco
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