Bike King and the Ten Commandments

While most of the world is anticipating summer blockbusters like, I don't know, Transformers: The One Where Everyone Finally Realizes Shia LaBeouf is Unnattractive, I, for one, am practically giddy about the long-awaited straight-to-DVD arrival of something a little different.

Namely, The Bike King and The Ten Commmandments.

When a friend sent me the trailer this morning accompanied only by the sentiment, "I have no words," I had no idea what to expect. Thus, I was instantly blown away when Satan himself (who is both an anaconda and a huge fan of the Voice Mutator, apparently) came right out of the box tormenting a young boy named Johnny. From what I can tell, Johnny's character seems to have been created by the writers solely to be punished in very trite, archetypal ways by Satan, who I began to love by the end of the TV-episode-length trailer.

Accordingly, Johnny's both blind and wheelchair-bound and homeless, because being healed from only one serious infirmity wouldn't have been enough to showcase the awesomeness of the Retarded Tree That Is Apparently God.

Oops, gave away the plot. But that's okay, because it's alllll in the trailer. Seriously, from what I can tell, every single plot point /cliche may be in the trailer (unless the writers are more gloriously sucky than I can imagine). To wit: Johnny's Dad didn't want kids! Johnny gets cold and wants to die sometimes! Johnny can't ride motorcycles because he can't hold his liquor can't use his legs! Johnny gets healed by a Retarded God Tree and subsequently turns into Zach from Saved By The Bell! The God Tree births CDs of the Ten Commandments for Johnny to take to the world! The Retarded God Tree reiterates in increasingly mentally unaware tones that he LOVES Johnny approximately 430 times! Johnny and Random Wholesome Girl dramatically run towards each other on the beach and wholesomely twirl interminably!

All tied together with a dramatic final dose of "for THIIIIIIIIINE is the KIIIIINGDOM  / and the GLLOOOOORYYYY / and the POWWEEER TO MAGICALLY BIRTH CDDDDDD'S…"

It's amazing, and please, really, stop reading right now and watch the trailer.

 

 

 
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jjcarden

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