Bike King and the Ten Commandments

While most of the world is anticipating summer blockbusters like, I don't know, Transformers: The One Where Everyone Finally Realizes Shia LaBeouf is Unnattractive, I, for one, am practically giddy about the long-awaited straight-to-DVD arrival of something a little different.

Namely, The Bike King and The Ten Commmandments.

When a friend sent me the trailer this morning accompanied only by the sentiment, "I have no words," I had no idea what to expect. Thus, I was instantly blown away when Satan himself (who is both an anaconda and a huge fan of the Voice Mutator, apparently) came right out of the box tormenting a young boy named Johnny. From what I can tell, Johnny's character seems to have been created by the writers solely to be punished in very trite, archetypal ways by Satan, who I began to love by the end of the TV-episode-length trailer.

Accordingly, Johnny's both blind and wheelchair-bound and homeless, because being healed from only one serious infirmity wouldn't have been enough to showcase the awesomeness of the Retarded Tree That Is Apparently God.

Oops, gave away the plot. But that's okay, because it's alllll in the trailer. Seriously, from what I can tell, every single plot point /cliche may be in the trailer (unless the writers are more gloriously sucky than I can imagine). To wit: Johnny's Dad didn't want kids! Johnny gets cold and wants to die sometimes! Johnny can't ride motorcycles because he can't hold his liquor can't use his legs! Johnny gets healed by a Retarded God Tree and subsequently turns into Zach from Saved By The Bell! The God Tree births CDs of the Ten Commandments for Johnny to take to the world! The Retarded God Tree reiterates in increasingly mentally unaware tones that he LOVES Johnny approximately 430 times! Johnny and Random Wholesome Girl dramatically run towards each other on the beach and wholesomely twirl interminably!

All tied together with a dramatic final dose of "for THIIIIIIIIINE is the KIIIIINGDOM  / and the GLLOOOOORYYYY / and the POWWEEER TO MAGICALLY BIRTH CDDDDDD'S…"

It's amazing, and please, really, stop reading right now and watch the trailer.



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0 Responses to Summer Christian Movie Preview

  1. Please. Please. Please.

    Tell me this video is a joke.

    No wonder people think Christians are weird.

  2. Tim says:

    There is a serious message here. It is that there is a Satan … and we should probably switch to his side.

  3. The point at which I almost spit my drink out was the twirling part, where they twirled with the camera. Wow!

  4. Amanda says:

    This could not possibly be funnier. I love how it says the movie will be “in theaters soon.” What theaters? And how is it possible that this many people came together to make this “movie” without even one of them having the wherewithal to say, “Uh, guys, this really sucks. You know that, right?”

  5. Joshua says:

    Not to mention that they spelled “unexpected” incorrectly (“unexpeeted”). Or maybe the light effect ripped from the online LOTR trailer via freeware makes it look like that.

  6. Chad says:

    I like how the blind kid is WATCHING the bikes go by. Also how did he get to the 4 inch deep puddle he threw himself into and refused to bury his face in? If he was really commited he’d wheel himself into oncoming traffic. Whomever made this film needs to learn about mercy and never make a film again.

  7. emelina says:

    I love that homelessness is a disease.

    I am currently suffering from laptoplessness and JimmyChoolessness, and I’d love it if you would pray for my healing.

  8. -S says:

    As the old adage goes, all press is good press.
    This article gave them more coverage than they could have ever gotten by forcing that trailer down our throats via any other means.
    You are far too kind.

  9. Jennifer Olmstead says:

    You’re right, S… but sometimes, you have to weigh two great evils against each other. What’s worse – giving the movie a little press, or the awesomeness that is this trailer NEVER BEING SEEN?!

    I imagine you get where I’m going with this.

  10. Tim says:

    No, Jen, you’re right. This trailer is too bad not to see.

  11. Blinky Kileen says:

    Must say, that passionate hand holding on the beach really sells the movie.

  12. Blinky Kileen says:

    After watching this, I think that there may be a need to revise the Brady Law to include a waiting period and backgrond check for the purchase of video cameras.

  13. buffalo Buffalo buffalo says:

    little did you know:

    this entire film was written and directed by the blind homeless kid.

    he is also… um. he… “voiced the God-tree” if you get where I’m going with this.

    so brave.

  14. joey says:

    Truly horrific.

  15. Bart says:

    So…this isn’t from the nineties?

    Well, the one good line:

  16. John Wofford says:

    This movie changed my life.

    It made me an alcoholic.

  17. Tom says:

    This has to be a joke. Please stop making movies that suck and putting Christian as its genre.

  18. liz says:

    I wish I could send this to everyone I have ever known in my whole life.

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