Blonde, curvaceous girls have enough trouble getting the world to take them seriously. Carrie Prejean’s new book and incoherent press tour to promote the same is doing nothing to help their cause. The former beauty pageant contestant, infamous for her dithering endorsement of “opposite marriage,” took her contested pair of mammaries on the talk show circuit to discuss her memoir, Still Standing: The Untold Story of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate, and Political Attacks, and dodge questions about a newly surfaced sex tape (which, she claims breathlessly, is not really a sex tape, but a private token of love and naked affection.)

That Carrie Prejean is even a public figure has been laughable from the start: fame-whore blogger asks beauty queen incendiary sociopolitical question; beauty queen stammers out a vague position not to the fame whore’s liking; conservatives and liberals rally behind the beauty queen and the fame whore, respectively; salacious photos surface, prompting pageant officials to fire beauty queen and sue her for the cost of her boob job; beauty queen sues the organization right back for “libeling” her due to her “religious beliefs.” Then … beauty queen writes memoir to “Give Americans, just, hope” in the survival of free speech against the biased media? Sounds to me like the beauty queen and the fame-whore have more in common than they realize.

Let’s gloss over the question of how a 22-year-old with about six months of celebrity under her shapely form can possibly fill a memoir. I’m not sure why Prejean views herself as a standard-bearer for conservatives. Her original statement at the Miss America pageant, taken verbatim aside from all the ensuing hubub, is hardly an unequivocal stance. But at some point she was offered a book deal and is now making the rounds promoting this book, which, if she had anything to do with the writing, is probably a puddle of misplaced modifiers, sentence fragments and thinly woven rants against “liberal media bias.”

That was her primary talking point in recent interviews on the Today show and Sean Hannity’s Fox News program. I use the term “interview” rather loosely; a more descriptive phrase would be “banal phrases uncanned with little regard to the question asked.” Hannity, who penned the forward to Prejean’s book, salivated avuncularly over the author while soft-pitching her vague “aren’t you?” and “didn’t you?” questions for her to blather confirmation. He comforts her distress over the alleged sex tape by obliquely referencing some things in his own youth which he wouldn’t want to come to light. (If there’s a Sean Hannity sex tape out there, heaven help us all.)

Meredith Viera’s interview on Today couldn’t be described as hard-hitting, but compared to Hannity’s pandering, she comes off as brutal. Prejean’s responses are eerily identical to those she offered Hannity; at one point, she almost engages interestingly when Viera asks her about being “Palinized,” but then quickly veers off into disconnected ideological statements.

I’ve had enough of pseudo-celebrities trying to force themselves into relevance, complaining in the same sentence that nothing is private and that they’re being silenced. Carrie, if you’re tired of being “attacked,” sit down and be quiet. We’ll all forget about you in a couple months and you can be alone with your fuzzy arguments. But you wouldn't really want that, would you?

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