Don’t get me wrong, I love the Earth. It’s the only home we have… or so we’re told. But I wonder if wishing it Happy Earth Day is like to taking a birthday cake to the Grim Reaper’s house.

Forgive me if that sounds rude, but HELLO!!! THE EARTH DOESN’T LIKE US VERY MUCH.

Have you not yet realized the Earth is trying to kill us? Like, literally, like right now, this second, trying to extinguish us.

Where’s the evidence you ask? Here it is: earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes, floods, mudslides, tornadoes, typhoons, hurricanes, snakes, forest fires, blizzards, ice ages, polarity reversal, tar pits, quicksand, spiders, deserts, mountains, hailstorms, lighting, salt water, geysers, cacti, gila monsters, plagues, scorpions, sandstorms, and Big Macs (oh wait, that last one’s on us).

So, don’t be surprised if I’m hesitant to send Mother Earth a green greeting card on her special day.

In fact, I’m not sure where we get this “Mother” Earth business. If this globe was really our mother, Mars would have had to call child services millennia ago. A better epithet might be “Scorned-Lover” Earth. I think the whole “global warming is man’s fault” stuff is her clever little trick to distract us from the notion that since she’s tried to oust us with the aforementioned diary of disasters and failed, she’s decided to cook us.

It kind of feels like somewhere back there in our sordid past we don’t talk about much because it makes the neighbors uncomfortable, we broke up with the Earth and started dating the Moon. Thereby leaving us residents of a lonely and bitter planet. And, boy howdy, she hasn’t let us forget THAT mistake.

I’m not really sure what we saw in the Moon anyway. She’s got ample curves but is most definitely bi-polar – she’s always either super hot or super cold – and is dry as a bone.

We’ve been been trying to make up with Earth – writing her love poems, songs, giving her her own day and leaving notes at her locker – since the Iron Age; she’s just not softening to our advances.

So, I propose a different tactic. No more Earth Day. Give her the cold shoulder. I think she likes all the attention and the grovelling. Planets are into inhabitants that take charge, that show them who is boss. They say they like a gentle and tender people group, but really they like to be ignored. Maybe she’ll realize that we aren’t the kind of species you can just push around. Not like the dinosaurs. They acted all tough, but were really sissies and when Earth was looking for a new romance, she cleared them out.

Let that be a lesson to us. We’ve got to play it cool. Act like we don’t really like her. No more cakes, parties, special days, sonnets, ballads, folk songs, or notes.

That’s the new plan people. Stick to it. Don’t go calling her at 3AM. We’ve got to be strong. Make her come to us.

Happy Earth Day? Not this year baby.

 
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Kevin Gosa

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