I thought we’d achieved the American Dream with the Double Down & Zac Efron, but those were mere pit stops on the way. Now we finally know why millions of people over hundreds of years left everything they’ve ever known, crossed dangerous oceans and melted themselves into this giant pot. All along they must’ve seen on that distant horizon a future where fresh undergarments are routinely delivered to a person’s home thereby saving everyone from the tyranny of shopping for and replacing dirty underwear. That is the American Dream. That is Manpacks!

Whatever of the founding fathers’ original intent for the government of this nation remains in our functioning policies, entities and laws, we see for certain that their vision was not for naught. Happiness was pursued, and it has been procured in umpteen packs of pearly white underpants periodically and punctually plopped on the porch.

I do have a few questions however. And I hope this doesn’t raise concerns about my patriotism, because no one is more excited about other people getting clean drawers dropped at the door than me. (Awkward moment there. Sorry.)

Is the implication of this service that the subscriber need not wash the recently received robings until the next round’s arrival?

Is there a downloadable labeling system that can indicate – should an individual decide to wash their ‘wears – when a set of skivvies needs scrapping?

Or, is there a Pantone color chart that lets a user know what level of no-longer-white is no longer acceptable to put on after a shower. Assuming of course the users of this service do indeed shower of their own accord and have not yet subscribed to a shower service that weekly washes them down and selects the cleanest undies available automatically.

Is it required that the user be categorized as – and, quite frankly reduced to – being either a brief, boxer or boxer brief man? (Or, to be equitable, woman I suppose. Although, the selection of panties for purchase at www.MANpacks.com is… well, there isn’t one. Sorry ladies. Looks like you’ll have to wait a while for this aspect of to the American Dream to be yours. I imagine you have plenty of clean underwear to get you through these hard times.)

What if a man likes to wear event-appropriate undies, for example, briefs for sports, boxers for watching sports, bikini briefs on a hot date at a sporting event, or G-strings for watching Gilmore Girls and everyday use. Is that prohibited by the customer agreement?

Are there any other “fine print” issues the public should be aware of? Such as: wearing garments inside-out invalidates warranty; wearing garments on one’s head results in immediate termination of contract; Manpacks will not issue extra deliveries of garments due to potty accidents.

Does the contract state that the subscriber will be visited by an underclothing operation specialist to answer any questions about, and address. any problems with product use the subscriber has? Or are those concerns handled by a 24-hour helpline? And, are these underclothing operation specialists themselves product users, or are they at least trained to handle such inquiries?

And lastly, will the aforementioned underclothing operation specialist ever administer an unexpected examination of the subscriber to ensure proper and sole use of the Manpacks product at the movies, office, grocery store, park, or any other public place?

All questions aside – including the obvious, “are you kidding me,” “is this for real,” and “who in their right mind would burn that much bread on underwear delivery” – this is one of the most ingenuitive and awe-inducing developments in human history. It seems so necessary and marvelous that I really can’t believe it took us this many millennia to get here.

I guess if you think about we have two people to thank for this (besides the two dudes who run the website): Al Gore for inventing the internet; and God for inventing underwear.

 
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Kevin Gosa

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