How quickly can you think of the most offensive phrase your ears could possibly hear?

One one-thousand, two one-thous… I’ve got mine.

Pepperoni is the new bacon.”

The first time I heard this phrase I just about dropped my shrimp taco. I thought we had scaled the heights of culinary arrogance with Taco Bell’s insistence on continually inventing new “food” items like it’s most recent contrivance, the Bacon Ranch Tortada. It’s just a squished and scorched burrito – at best a wrapped quesadilla – it’s not a whole new thing. But I’ll say this for Taco Bell, at least they didn’t call it the Pepperoni Ranch Tortada.

Because PEPPERONI IS NOT THE NEW BACON! Bacon is bacon. End of story.

And speaking of bacon, has someone reached out to Jim Gaffigan (the Moses of bacon) lately to make sure he didn’t go into a bacon-offense-induced cardiac arrest when he heard this ludicrousness? I also wonder if someone has informed Subway that, while they believe their new little turn of phrase to be catchy marketing, it is in direct conflict with the meal-ticket slogan “Eat Fresh.” Because pepperoni is anything but fresh; it’s nitrate and salt-infused, mashed-up meat that’s inoculated with lactic acid bacteria and then dropped off in a dirty barn for a month. So now, Subway is both braggadocios and a liar.

(Full disclosure of my long history with Subway: I once found a used bandage alongside the tomatoes on a Subway sub I ordered while in high school. I found that bandage when I thought the tomato skin I was chewing was a little tough and yanked it from my teeth to discover the true source of my mastication misfortune. Additionally, after my wife and I had our first son I noticed that Subway’s bread had a remarkably familiar smell, and it dawned on me that their sandwiches smell a bit too similar to an infant’s dirty diaper. I will say though, that the diapers of breast-fed child have a sweet and slightly fresh-baked, yeasty bread aroma. So Subway’s got that going for them. Which is nice.)

Beyond the staggering superciliousness of this simple and slanderous statement, is the exceedingly xenocentristic and hackneyed portrayal of some young stallion in a gondola escorting our hoagie heroes on a slightly homo-erotic ride down the canals of Venice. As if this wasn’t awkward enough, the title of this ad spot on YouTube is “Subway Pepperoni Love.”

Am I the only one that thinks that this is the most unintentionally sexually euphemistic title for a commercial that depicts two guys on a romantic boat ride through the canals of Venice? When I see a link to a video titled “Subway Pepperoni Love,” I don’t click on it. It’s a rule I have. Call me a prude.

Anyway. The moral of the story is don’t mess with bacon.

That means you Subway.

About The Author

Kevin Gosa

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