What could possibly explain the new data plans they rolled out?

I don’t know.

Seriously, if anyone knows, leave a comment on the blog. Because I sure as heck-fire don’t. In fact, I don’t even have anything to say about it. I have a deadline for this post and no material because all but the confundus neurons have stopped firing in my, apparently, pea-sized brain. All I can think about is how AT&T came up with this cockamamie scenario.

What was that meeting like?

“Hey, I’ve got an idea! How ’bout we we start charging 65% of our customers half of what they’ve been paying us for the same exact thing they are already using!” And then some balding, bulge-bellied buffoon shouts, “that’s brilliant,” with a tongue-gurgling attempt at an Irish accent hoping the female executive sitting four leather-clad chairs down will think he’s earned that man-pooch drinking a couple Guinness every night while watching UEFA Champions League matches, not sitting on his fart-stained couch with a kiddie pool full of half-empty PBRs, melted ice and silk undies instructing him to “wash cold,” while the TV burns WWE SO-RAW-YOU’LL-GET-BOTULISM deep enough into his retinae to erase those now painful memories of “the good ole days” back in the frat house at Coasted-Through-College-Cause-Dad-Has-Got-A-Friend-At-AT&T State.

Needless to say she wasn’t terribly impressed and proceeded to ogle the intern who was refilling her coffee every 37 seconds since she was downing it like a professional cyclist before the next urine test to keep him coming back to that end of the table hoping her new eau de parfum, Cougar Paw, would waft into his olfactories and distract his attention from the CFO’s new iPad, which he’s banking on smuggling out of there after he finishes busting his almost-got-into-yale-but-didn’t-have-enough-extra-curriculars-and-is-now-fetching-coffee-and-having-his-nostrils-singed-at-this-crappy-unpaid-internship butt for three months.
As you can see, very few ideas at all — let alone good ones — were presented at the meeting. So I guess it’s no wonder that the CFO caved right away at that first suggestion and AT&T is now charging its customers half as much for what they were already using.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that I can save a bunch of money at their expense. Oh, wait a minute. That’s right. I use just over the 200MB for the $15 per month plan that seems like such a steal. The good news is if I decide to limit my usage and then I go over the initial 200MB I can easily buy 200 more for $15 but then I’ll end up paying $30 for 400MB when right now I am paying $30 for unlimited usage.

Awesome.

I guess I could go with the $25 for 2GB a month, cause that makes sense. Option A: not quite enough. Option B: way too much to actually be a legitimate alternative for most users.  “You can have this much or ten times that much.” I use more than plan A regularly, but not even close to plan B ever. (Current subscribers do have the option of not making a change, but that doesn’t make for much of a rant blog.)

For crying out loud! Would it have been so hard to add a middle level for the non-fake-smartphone, non-uber-nerd user? Where’s the 1GB for $20 a month plan? Or for that matter, if they are just trying to appear more affordable, just lower the price of the unlimited plan to $20. Apparently 65% of their customers are only using 200MB anyway; they shouldn’t have to worry about network drag or whatever. So now the 65% is paying $5 more than this new plan, still a big savings and still “affordable,” and the 35% is only paying $5 less than they would. Then you charge the nerds $30 a month for tethering with a cap on tethered usage yada, yada.

Who did the math on this new plan? Probably the pool drinker guy.

Certainly seems like AT&T’s “Make Mobile Internet More Affordable to More People” scheme is to get people to buy in at the 200MB level, when AT&T knows full well that with every new smartphone, and every few months, usage goes up; then, those people will have to rely on the booster pack up-charge and are now paying more than the nerds.

Maybe I’m just cynical about how enterprise-level companies make decisions, but I can’t imagine a reason, besides incompetence, that a company like AT&T would do anything as “generous” as this seems.

So, after all that, I save $5. It’s better than nothing.

 
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Kevin Gosa

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