Partly to make up for the storm that knocked out our Grammy party, we decided to have a second go at IMing an awards telecast—in this case, the 80th Annual Academy Awards. By the end of the four-hour show, our energy (and numbers) had significantly dwindled. If you’re bored, blame whoever was behind that parade of lifeless montages.

8:00 PM

Steven: so does anyone know if Stewart’s writers had to negotiate and rewrite jokes this year like they did when he hosted two years ago?

Nathan: i think its all cool this year. I hope so (praying). novel idea: put the stars in the front row…

Jennifer: really pregnant cate blanchett.

David: what happened last time?

Steven: jokes were vetoed and told to rewritten because they were too “sharp.” with the strike there’s no luxury of micromanaging the punch lines.

David: and they still were pretty sharp, weren’t they?

Jennifer: mm. that’s interesting.

Steven: not really. they had that gag about the negative campaigning of the best actress nominees

David: i thought he made fun of them for being liberals.

Steven: i don’t recall his monologue. poor ellen last year. her writers were awful… or I hope she blamed someone.

Jennifer: yeah, man, you could see ellen trying to telegraph, “it’s not me, it’s them” the entire time.

Steven: what’s up with this grand theft auto shit for the opening?

Jennifer: i wonder how much eddie murphy demanded for that split second. until he was talked down to like, not being lambasted for Norbit.

David: here we go…* jon stewart walks on *

Jennifer: i missssseedd youuuuuu

Steven: hybrid suvs and diet coke sponsoring.. how appropriate: empty approximations of horrible junk

Jennifer: LOL.

David: hahaa

Jennifer: “welcome to make-up sex”

Nathan: thank god for teen pregnancy

Jennifer: LOL. nice work. i love how juno is like the cute baby puppy of the oscars.

Steven: julie christie still looks pretty good. she was smoking hot in the 60s.

Jennifer: yeah, she was. i feel secure saying that. this is good. this is very good.

David: “the passion and raw sexuality of yom kippur.”

Jennifer: oh, yeah, i lied about the ‘not lambasting norbit’ thing, byyy the way.

Steven: nice norbit line. i hope it makes armond white wince. nice clayton line

Jennifer: dennis hopper = not seen since speed. i love how his wife just gave him the, “PLEASE… please, don’t lose your shit” face. ( warranted, i’m sure )

David: diablo cody ! another one of those oddly-adorned writer types. But quite a bit cuter than mrs. day-lewis, whom we saw during the pre-ceremonies.

Steven: i’m hank skylark… for porn/stripper name

Nathan: withdrawing the iraq movies would only embolden the audience…. pc but still funny

Steven: the iraq movie surge appeal. nice. prepping everyone for stop loss.

Jennifer: nice republican crack.

Steven: that and bigelow: women are getting their iraq movies done. i like spike’s reaction to the asteriod joke

Jennifer: haha, they pan to the three black men sitting in a clump.

Steven: really white audience.

Jennifer: spike’s all, “mmm… next movie….”

Nathan: titler had so many good ideas ;) brill.

Jennifer: ha ha, “couldn’t get past the name… or the mustache.”

Jennifer: i love me some jon stewart.

Nathan: not her… where’s jennifer’s ninja costume?

Jennifer: i think she’s lovely.

Steven: “a great costume designer” see now i’m bored. 12 minutes.

Jennifer: winner, atonement. you heard it here … um, 124th.

Steven: did anyone else here see sweeney todd?

Jennifer: damn. already 0/1.

Jennifer: barbara, “now that i don’t sing anymore, i got a nosejob” Streisand.

Steven: wow. that hybrid suv commercial is perfect.

Jon: hybrid = hippy in my book.

David: good commercial, though.

Steven: sisyphus rolling the stone up the mountain: “we promise we’re helping the environment, but everyone realizes we aren’t.” So what were everyone’s faves?

Jennifer: mm, i’m thinking, but one i def. loved that i didn’t hear enough about was waitress. also really liked stardust (don’t judge).

Nathan: stardust= my sisters hyping far too much, and me remembering far too little

David: good commercial, though. Nathanael has joined.

Nathan: yay. super yellis

Jon: George Clooney is handsy

Nathanael: A size joke, the first perhaps?

Steven: ouch a clipset montage already?!

Jon: CHER!

Jennifer: dude, pocahontas at the oscars.

Jon: superexcited

Nathan: not going to lie. i’m dying . i’ve watched better montages in a michael bay film

Jennifer: aw, i remember that julia speech.

David: oh, wow. gold statues goose-stepping? wonder what year THAT was.

Jennifer: sad thing, is that wasn’t marilyn – that was actually mr. t wearing a blonde wig.

Jon: christopher reeves….is dead

Jennifer: why celine. why.

Steven: is this a parody?

Jennifer: so, so very unnecessary. the celine choice makes me think so, steven.

Nathanael: I want more Rob Lowe.

Jon: stop hatin’ on celine

Nathan: and at this moment, people go, “we loved titanic because?

Jennifer: i want to see liz taylor continuing to read well-into the go-to-commercial. that was my favorite oscar moment.

Nathan: or in the words of stewart, “whaaaaaa?”

Steven: oh. poor peter o’toole… rubbing that whole “we forgot to acknowledge you and had to give you the lifetime again”

David: oh, oh! Iphone spearage.

Steven: nice widescreen joke

Nathan: not going to lie, i’m stoked about get smart

Steven: but that critique’s been around for a while, down to the Lawrence of Arabia reference.

Nathanael: does anyone respect him anymore?

Jennifer: anne hathaway… one of those, “she’s still making movies” girls in my mind.

Steven: what else was hathaway in other than brokeback?

Nathan: princess diaries

Jennifer: um. princess diaries. and devil wears prada. in which she was cute, but emily blunt was awesome.

Nathan: “shit’ made it on television! i didn’t think they could say that on network?

Nathanael: another size joke!

David: he didn’t say it he stopped just short of saying it.

Jennifer: okay, animated film. did you guys hear much about persepolis? winner: ratatouille.

Nathan: rata… better win animated

David: why do we even hold the animated feature awards anymore?

Nathan: i know. just hand it to pixar

David: they’ve never lost.

Nathan: it better not start tonight !. (and it doesn’t)

Nathanael: surprise!

David: definitely one of my faovorites this year.

Steven: especially about a film that vindicates the role of the critic

David: heart, heart Ratatouille.

Nathanael: i enjoyed it because i was in an airplane and had no choice & rum

David: oh wow. Amy Adams is singing her song from Enchanted.

Nathanael: good god. that is all.

Jennifer: while the olympic circles rotate? i keep waiting for 2 forest animals to crash the stage.

Steven: i think they gave up on trying to keep viewers: 30 minutes they’ve already done a montage and a song

Jennifer: steeling myself.

David: once again, great actress. love her.


David: best visual effects

Nathanael: where do they drag the presenters from?

David: This goes to Pirates 3.

Jennifer: worst delivery ever. we have not forgotten ‘walking tall, “ mr. rock.

Nathan: transformers. give it to them

David: oh, true.

Jennifer: traaansformers. oh.

(The Golden Compass wins best visual effects.)

Nathanael: is best visual effects code for most unwatchable?

Jennifer: shock?

David: the hell?

Jennifer: no, i think it’s code for, “GOD IS DEAD” apparently. i feel like they’re about to sing, “buffalo girl.” little four-part harmony.

Nathanael: is that a premade laminated thankyou speech?

Nathanael: cate blanchett wins MILF, obviously.

David: you would be the one to bring that up.

David: Sweeney Todd wins Best Art Direction.

Jennifer: look closely. i’ll give you ten bucks if you see a facial muscle twitch on her face… botox: it’s what’s for dinner.

David: she’s doing a triceps pump with her statue.

Nathanael: is the fact she can’t open her eyes a bad sign?

Nathanael: “truly an international night” = no one can speak english now.

Steven: seriously. another montage. really?

David: here we go with Best Supporting Actor

Jennifer: really, really hoping there’s no celine.

David: why is Javier Bardem in this category? how is he a supporing actor?

Jennifer: how is he not a supporting actor?

David: I guess I’m forgetting Tommy Lee Jones. but I would have called them both leads.

Steven: i had forgotten about cuba gooding jr.‘s public career suicide

Jennifer: me too. interesting that they chose that footage.

Nathan: jennifer hudson, “i’m not readiiing this script”

David: Jennifer Hudson, presenting Best Suppprting Actor: “my boobs are wrapped in Charmin.”

Jennifer: lol “have-ee-year” bar-dem.

David: I say Bardem wins this hands down.

Jennifer: care-full-ee pronounced. i love how phillip Seymour hoffman was in like FOUR good movies in great roles this year.

Nathan: the man is brilliant on so many levels

Jennifer: i want to know why the academy hated into the wild.

David: yeah, why the round ignoring of Into the Wild? Seriously.

Steven: sean penn’s work has always been good and ignored. Crossing Guard was good (too long), The Pledge was excellent

Jennifer: very true. maybe because he’s an ass. but yeah, def. talented.

Nathanael: yay for no more broken english.

Jennifer: bardem is very handsome when he’s not wearing “dorothy hamil’s bowl cut.” or, wait, “wedge,” excuse me.

Steven: penn insists on slow pacing. it hurts him. but makes his films better

David: is there anything personal there? i mean, There Will Be Blood is super slow. as are other winners.

Nathanael: the commercials went from “primetime” to “daytime tv” sooo fast

David: yeah, they did.

Tim: a montage of great academy awards montages of the past

David: strike? that can’t be the reason they’re doing this.

Jennifer: we should have kept a running count of how many minutes worth of montage they stack up.

David: that was midly amusing.

Nathanael: its the daily show on oscars

Jennifer: did anyone see august rush?

Nathan: my parents did. and they loved it

Jennifer: i heard that it was a little saccharine-sweet, but worth watching…?

David: my family all loved it.

Jennifer: hmm, okay.

Tim: where have i seen the presenter before?

Jennifer: keri russell? MI3, Waitress. Felicity (on TV).

Tim: oh, she was being felt up by zac braff on scrubs

Jennifer: oh, also that, yes. sing it, little girl.

David: impressive.

Nathan: not going to lie… it feels like one of those songs that as long as you filter it through the soul choir, you have an epic hit

Nathanael: with the choreography, how could it not be epic? + a 12 year old girl with amazing pipes

Jennifer: way off. 11.

Nathan: she’s got a great voice give you that

Jennifer: wait, owen is nominated?! darjeeling limited. right.

David: as owen wilson brings to mind actor suicide attempts this year, i call a heath ledger tribute somewhere along the way.

Nathan: of course. how could you waste that montage opportunity?


Nathan: god i hated the bee movie. just from the commercials

Jennifer: jerry seinfeld, paying the mortgage.

Nathan: dear god

Jennifer: he repped that CONTINUOUSLY.

Nathan: seriously, the office was almost destroyed because of those f’ing commercials



David: the animated short films all look intriguing. we should check those out.

Nathanael: obviously movies to see when under the influence of anything

Nathan: yellis. take careful note. and stock accordingly

David: i will come.

Nathanael: killer weekend. or 25 minutes, b/c those were short films & nathan has an overactive liver

David: Best Supporting Actress… Cate Blanchet for I’m Not There, i predict.

Steven: i liked heath better than cate in i’m not there

Tim: Alan Arkin, best upset of last year

Nathan: how can you not love blanchett? if she doesn’t win i will be shocked/outraged

Tim: has anyone ever been nominated for best and best supporting in the same year before?

David: what was her name? girl from Gone Baby Gone? she was good.

Steven: people. she’s in the wire. of course she’s good :-)

Steven: well they owed tilda for her derek jarman films :-)
(Tilda Swinton wins Best Supprting Actress).

David: she is shocked, obviously

Nathanael: the white witch , wearing a dress designed by, um,

Steven: she has a very solid resume. she’s done some brave stuff.

David: best speech so far. absolutely

Tim: Tilda Swinton, also for best achievement in pit stains

David: haha.

Tim: in Michael Clayton

David: did anybody see Cate Blanchett’s Elizabeth movie? did it rival I’m Not There?

Steven: i heard it was awful

David: i think i read it was awful.

Steven: i saw the first one back in the day. it was so so. nothing profound.

Steven: 1hour 15min to get to the first “jack nicholson’s cock” joke

David: lol. josh brolin is the sex.

Steven: screenplay aready!
(Coen Brothers win Best Adapted Screenplay for No Country for Old Men).

Jennifer: there went your shut out, tim.

David: Coen Brothers take their first

Tim: shut out by them, not them shut out

Steven: i love their sneer

Jennifer: oh. yes. okay, i was shocked that you were speculating they’d not take anything.

David: i think that’s fair, since There Will Be Blood is hardly an adaptation.

Steven: joel’s kind of condescending to talk to the people there. ethan just doesn’t care

Tim: Blood was adapted like they adapted The Odyessey

(Miley Ray Cirus walks onto the stage).

Jennifer: I think she has veneers? At age 15? and a smoker voice. maybe actually 24? oh, man, i <3 kristen chenowith. everyone, go watch pushing daisies.

Nathanael: she was the best thing during the 4th season of west wing. (and then i hide)

David: she’s an incredible singer, but i’m underwhelmed by the actual song.

Nathanael: the respect “enchanted” got from the academy was an acknowledgement that disney made a non-total-crap movie. apparently that’s how they show their love.

David: one that didn’t involve pixar, that is.

Steven: i think disney (via miramax) paid for some of There Will Be Blood, too. they’re not hurting this year.

10:00 PM

David: oh! here come glen hansard and marketa irglova. this wins.

Steven: they almost ruined it with the damn orchestral opening

David: he’s still using his old guitar!the one in the movie, and that he plays onstage.

Nathanael: I watched that movie three times, for the music. amazing.

Steven: if i weren’t for Juno, Once would have been this year’s awards version of Little Miss Sunshine. the orchestra’s killing this.

David: this is the first ever version of this song with drums

Steven: the song wasn’t elevator music in teh film!

David: i don’t mind the drums. but the orchestra…
(80 Best Picture montage begins)

Tim: oh god they’re going to list them all

Steven: so is this montage 8?

David: ok if they’re going to list them all

Steven: i keep hearing the “we need a montage” song in my head from Team America

David: let’s see which movies we didn’t know won best picture.

Tim: i’m going to take a nap, wake we when we get to the late 80’s

Steven: but i will stick up for juno: it’s a heady little fairy tale.

Nathan: this is why i don’t watch award shows

Steven: like election

Nathan: i liked juno too. just fyi. it’s just not a best picture

Nathanael: it was ok, but i didn’t feel any of the reviewer’s adjectives

Steven: well it was better than dances with wolves, driving miss daisy, rain man, forrest gump…

Tim: i’d be for juno too if the coen’s weren’t in it

Steven: so it wouldn’t be a tragedy if it won :-)

Nathan: i is love renee (zelleweger)

Tim: omg, academy bait-and switch!

Nathanael: Has anyone said “I will drink your milkshake.” yet? is this like the lord of the rings: you made three movies, so here’s trophies for trying really hard, over and over

Steven: that’s sad that bourne won. just because you have to edit greengrass’ enough film for 3 films… doesn’t mean that getting a movie out of it is award-worthy

Tim: Bourne Ultimatum sweeps the commercially successful film category

Steven: perfect reproach to that from stewart (“won the award on a guess”)

David: yeah, this is what i was wondering about this when Ultimatum swept the sound awards ! do you win just because it was a schizophrenic movie?

Tim: i watch Margot at the Wedding yesterday so i won’t say the only think i can think of right now

David: for once, Nicole Kidman doesn’t look entirely icy and forbidding. also, she’s two feet taller than this guy.

Nathanael: he’s wear a tux and a … sweat rag?

David: the statue is looking at him. quite attentively.

Tim: Who let the crazed drifter in? Oh wait, it’s Viggo Mortensen.

David: cameraman: “let’s show laura linney … she’s hotter than old men.”

Nathanael: did Jennifer design the moving photoshop title thing they’ve shown every 2 seconds?

Tim: speaking of crazed drifters, were you all watching when Gary Busey assaulting Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet?

Nathanael: he was just acting out what we all wish we could do

David: when was this?

Tim: During the pre-show on E! Seacrest is commentating and some yells out “Hey Seacrest I’ve been looking for you for years!” then he manhandled Jennifer Garner
(*Penelope Cruz appears to present Best Foreign Film).

Nathan: who let a bush grow out of her chest?

Nathanael: winner “obviously fake fur”

David: are all foreign films about war?

Nathanael: nope, some are about russian stomp.

David: (falling slowly wins best original song) Glen Hansard is the bmost charming guy behind a microphone, ever. “make art, make art!” great life motto.

Nathanael: he played himself and we love him anyway, that’s tslent

11:00 PM

Nathanael: They need categories we care about: best line. or possibly: most annoying character who actually dies for our pleasure

Tim: For filming literally thousands of hours of footage of Daniel Day-Lewis’ whiskers. Heath Ledger time!

David: yep

Nathanael: no, its reagan death day time

Tim: o wait no

(Memorial montage begins.)

Steven: bergman and antonioni

Tim: damn you jack valenti

Nathanael: Attendees: faces are sad/hopeful, minds are saying: those old bastards, about time.

David: especially jack valenti. this is all to add suspense to heath ledger, as well.

Nathanael: is it too soon for ledger jokes?

David: i’m crying right now.

Steven: no. i use it as averb

Nathanael: or did that time expire when the olsen twin was called? my brother: ledger is dead & played a gay cowboy.

David: yeah, my first thought when i got the text message from CNN: the christians finally got to him.

Tim: too bad jerry falwell died too soon to make that connection. 2/3 of the awards down by my count

(Atonement wins Best Original Score).

Nathan: jonny greenwood was gypped

David: yeah. we all know. 3:10 to Yuma was an amazing soundtrack.

Tim: Hopefully this is a consolation so Atonement won’t get Best Picture

Nathanael: one can hope, but its the academy

Tim: The film reviewer at my paper, i’ve been arguing with him about it

Nathanael: the only time they do the obvious is by reminding us that heath ledger was a gay cowboy

Nathan: and here comes the inevitable

Nathanael: Best war ever. (thank you nathan)

Nathan: yup. so just ready to get to the end of this thing. freaking maratttthon

Nathan: p-diddy is in a made for t.v. movvvviiiiiieeeee (a raisin in the sun) huzza!!!!!!!

Tim: that was an awful joke

Nathan: seriously

Nathanael: new indiana jones?

Nathan: i have to think that Harrison is slightly under the influence

Nathanael: or is he about to kick jon stewart’s butt

Nathan: harrison is drunk i believe

David: who wins this one, steven? juno has to win something, i think.

Tim: maybe it’s just because i’ve seen it twice this weekend, but i’m pulling for Michael Clayton

Nathan: juno

David: diablo cody it is. knew it. looking a little primal she is.

Tim: who make no attempt to hide being a former stripper

David: oh, that’s right. as previously discussed.

Nathan: but the leopard print. dear god woman. please. please. please.

Nathanael: that’s claaass

David: “loving me exactly the way i am” … wonder if that means “got over the fact that i was a stripper.”

Nathanael: or “stay at home writer”

(Best Actor).

Nathan: who wins?

David: daniel day lewis. easily, i believe.

Tim: the milkshake

David: the milkshake. because, damn right, it’s better than yours.

Nathan: if depp wins

Tim: Filmspotting calls Day-Lewis “a scenery-devouring force of nature”

Nathan: i will laugh sooo hard

David: that would be a travesty. but the singing … pretty impressive.

Nathan: surpriseeeeeeee?
kidding

David: shocked.

Nathan: ;)

David: (daniel day lewis wins).

Tim: honestly before today did not know he is british

Nathan: graceful speech

(Best Director).
Tim: Scorsese, nice touch

David: coens. no shocker, there.

Tim: first ever for a directing team?

(Best Picture)

David: here’s the moment.

(No Country for Old Men wins).

David: no way.

Tim: A good night for a fine film

David: yeah, it’s a fabulous movie. I enjoyed it all three times I’ve seen it. I’m a bit enamored with There Will Be Blood still, but yeah, a fine choice.