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The Best "Transformers 2" Insults

David Sessions    Jun 24, 2009    9 COMMENTS    SHARE

It looks like Michael Bay's Transformers 2 is, as feared, the worst movie of the year. So naturally, critics are lining up to get in their best shots, and to one-up each other with their jokes, insults, and metaphors for indescribable awfulness. A lot of them are fantastic, so we've collected the best of the best here.

Oh, and if you still want to see this movie after reading these? I'm not sure there's a word for what you are.

“I swear to you that I have never had a film experience that felt longer than the whopping 149 minutes of Revenge of the Fallen, every single one of which I wish I had spent doing something else.” – Brian Tallerico, Movie Retriever

“John Yoo would not be able to draft a memo excusing the torment this movie inflicts on its audience, yet tens of millions of us will line up to shovel money at it this weekend. God bless America.” – Dana Stevens, Slate

“Revenge of the Fallen is almost literally plotless. It’s like a movie based on a TV Guide description. A bloated, ponderous piece of shit.” – Devin Faraci, CHUD

“The first, comparatively lucid Transformers was a headache, but I sort of enjoyed it. … Revenge of the Fallen is more like listening to rocks in a clothes dryer for 2½ hours.” – Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune

“If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.” – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

“Everyone is overcaffeinated, everyone screams their lines, perhaps so they can hear each other over the explosions and the thunderous score.” – Christy Lemire, Associated Press

“Michael Bay’s 150-minute celebration of attention deficit disorder is like a July 4th fireworks display that doesn't end until July 8th and makes you swear off Roman candles for life.” – Joe Morgenstern, Wall Street Journal

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  1. It’s a freaking movie about TOYS! It’s a boy’s fantasy of robots and explosions. What do you expect? I think for being what it was, it was delightful.

    — Joshua · Jun 24, 12:32 PM · #

  2. Time will tell, but I’d bet that GI Joe will be worse. As is, I’ll still see this at the $1.50 theater to see the robots on a big screen. Yes, it will be stupid escapism, but that’s all I’m anticipating.

    — Tim · Jun 24, 02:05 PM · #

  3. i think i have a streak of masochism in my body, because all the amazing destructive criticism just makes me want to see this even more.

    — Nathan · Jun 24, 02:11 PM · #

  4. Yeah, I remember the director saying how many Oscars he expected this film to wi…oh wait, he doesn’t care. He’s just going to make millions of dollars, and I’ll gladly help him with that.

    — Rob · Jun 24, 04:52 PM · #

  5. I’m probably going to end up seeing it. But only because it appeals to my ADD. If it’s more exciting than the first one, which I fell asleep during, then I’ll be happy

    — PD · Jun 24, 05:03 PM · #

  6. Josh is right on. If you go to the movie expecting your life to be changed you deserve more ridicule than this movie has received.

    — Erin · Jun 24, 05:05 PM · #

  7. Megan Fox

    — Kirk · Jun 25, 11:54 AM · #

  8. Michael Phillips wins the criticism contest, but who on Earth is paying all these guys to watch a kids movie and report that it wasn’t enjoyable for pretentious 50-somethings?

    — no · Jun 25, 01:33 PM · #

  9. I thought the first was a fun movie, even if moments were bad and Megan Fox can’t act and Shia’s annoying.

    That being said, there’s something a little infantile whining about America in your Transformers review and threatening to move to Canada if there’s a third film. Apparently this guy missed the memo on the great overseas openings. It looks like he’ll have to move to another planet so he can find people deserving of his presence.

    It’s one thing to give a movie a bad review, it’s another to be a hipster snob and too many people discovered that it’s cool again to make fun of Transformers and piled on. That’s simply bad journalism.

    I doubt I’ll see it in theaters, and unless Rifftrax makes fun of it I’ll probably miss it on DVD as well. I’m just not interested in 2.5 hours of explosions.

    — David Poe · Jul 1, 06:28 AM · #

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