While reading CMCentral’s feature on Kutless, a familiar trope of the Christian music press wafted from between its lines. Once upon a time, in an old CCM Patrol post, I blogged about Christian music writers who assume that any musician who experiences personal trials has automatically become better at picking a guitar or plunking a piano or whatever it is he/she does. (Christian businessmen also report increased sales and client satisfaction after recovering from minor injuries). Here are some choice excerpts from the opening paragraphs of the CMC Kutless piece:

With their newest project, To Know That You’re Alive (BEC), the five Oregon natives prove that there’s more to their composition than just rock. They’re out to prove the heart behind the music, too.

Jon Micah Sumrall, lead singer of Kutless, personifies this metamorphosis with the tone of a man who has been through change and come out stronger on the other side. “The title song came out of my personal experience. My recent shoulder injury inspired it, because I was like God, why did You allow this to happen? I’m trying to tour, and I cannot move. I was really wrestling with it, and God showed me that sometimes, I need to let you hurt, so you can appreciate what you have and turn you toward Me.’” … The new record, Sumrall says, exemplifies the growth of the group by gearing toward a fresh sound and tackling issues like abuse alongside rejoicing.

Wrestling? Fresh? Tackling? Metamorphosis? The author comes just short of saying it outright, but the obvious implication is that Sumrall’s shoulder injury really challenged him to make some good music. Where have we heard this sort of hospital-to-critical-prowess story before? I dug up the old post (not currently available on Patrol), and here’s what I wrote almost exactly two years ago, on June 24, 2006:

CCM reviewers have an uncanny knack for making life’s common troubles into the “growing experiences” of Christian bands. “Having lost a father, WHICH REALLY MATURED THEM AS A BAND, they are back with this stupefying new record!” or “The experiences of motherhood have GROWN HER AS A MUSICIAN, and now she’s traded in her apron for a microphone once again!”

Melissa Riddle (of SongTouch.com) thankfully doesn’t go quite that far, though, in her review of Essential Records’ new metal group Red, she mentions the “long and painful road” that Red has trodden to end up at the End of Silence. Curiously, however, the only substantiation for this claim is that a band member once conked another with a guitar during a “dramatic” finish. Amazingly, she does not proceed to tell us how the stitches just like, tore their hearts out, man, and now they can really understand what other people who get smashed in the head by a guitarist are going through. Still, Red’s experience of unnamed tragedy is apparently the only item on their resume worth mentioning (and yes, I realize I’m making the rash assumption that they have others.)

So new strategy (really an old strategy) for Christian bands desperate to make deeper, more creative music: break a leg! No, literally!

One last bit of Critic Police business: In CMCentral’s three-star review, the new Kutless album is a “major disappointment” because it lacks originality, but is “still growth, nonetheless.” That’s a bit of an eating-the-cake-you-just-had statement, but hey, I’ll attest to the occasional legitimacy of critical paradoxes. Except for this case, because the supposed “growth” of which CMC speaks happens to be the one thing Kutless has always had—“unashamed lyrical focus and spiritual awareness.” But even that isn’t a compliment, because, in case you’re unfamiliar, “unashamed” is a well-known code word for “artless.” And here we go again with the double-minded reviews in which mediocrity is excused as “uncompromising” and “unashamed.” If I only had some one to sit around and praise me for refusing to do better!

Come on and give up the secret of your success, Kutless. Having the freedom to suck a little would make my life so much easier right now!