So convention night had virtually every Republican presidential candidate onstage, mostly swinging pretty hard and sticking to the talking points. (If Sean Hannity thought Obama’s speech was combative, well, he hadn’t seen anything yet). In all four major speeches we got references to Obama’s inexperience, his thin record (running gag: Obama’s past as a “community organizer”), and how much the “elite media” loves him.

But who really wants to watch (much less read) “boring, predictable” speeches? We didn’t, but we did anyway. And since we at Patrol  have a thing for ratings, we decided we’d make a little numbers game out of it.

THE GAME

Here’s how it works: each speaker starts with 100 points, which can be lost in any of the following categories:

Oversimplifications/Dishonesty: Obvious oversimplification of political issues or opponent’s positions to avoid really addressing them; exaggerating the candidates’ actual records; bringing up tenuous hypotheticals instead of facts. Also any random pandering.

Rhetoric: Bad writing, weak delivery, clichéd, meaningless phrases, or lack of focus.

Gratuitous Party Motifs: Including but not limited to obviously pandering mentions of God, Ronald Reagan, the military, or oil.

Sportsmanship: Points may be lost for failing to commend Obama’s strengths and historic candidacy, misrepresenting his positions, exploiting his gaffes beyond his obvious meaning, or attributing positions to him that has not actually taken.

Bonus points: The one chance to make it up! Anything unique or effective a speaker did may earn them a few bonus props.

THE SPEECHES

Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts

Romney had trouble in the primaries not appearing fake, plastic and smarmy. Tonight he was a good deal looser and realer, he just seemed…well, sort of like a berserk conservative robot.

Oversimplifications/Dishonesty: The worst offender in Romney’s short speech is a particularly egregrious line about offshore drilling: “Is a Congress liberal or conservative that stops nuclear power plants and off-shore drilling, making us more and more dependent on Middle East tyrants?” As the benefits of drilling have not been proved all that substantial, it’s simply not accurate that a lack of off-shore drilling increases foreign dependence. Also, his paranoid/hysterical touting of a Washington-East-Coast-Media cabal came pretty close to frothing: “Washington has been looking to the eastern elites, to the editorial pages of the Times and the Post, and to the broadcasters from the coast.” -20 points

Rhetoric: This is where Romney really fell hard. He’s never been a magnetic speaker, but tonight…yeesh. The exclamation points, the rambling, the yelling, the near-hysteria. A little frightening to say the least. Why so serious, Mitt? -30 points

Party Motifs: One lame attempt to connect McCain with Reagan (“right course is the one championed by Ronald Reagan 30 years ago, by John McCain today. I”). -10 points

Sportsmanship: Only one reference to Obama by name, an accusation that he “ducked and dodged every direct question” at the Saddleback Forum. Which he pretty much did.  -0 points

Bonus points:  Romney was the only one with the guts to mention the biggest elephant in the room (hehe), George W. Bush. And in a favorable light, no less. +3 points

TOTAL SCORE: 43 points

Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas

Governor Huckabee was the closest the GOP came to answering the silver-tongued Obama. The articulate Southern gentleman, who has a strong affinity for the witty turn of phrase and the homespun anecdote, was at one time thought to possibly be the only one who could stand up to Obama. He regrets that things went the way they did, as he made sure to note in his opening, but made the best case for John McCain of the evening. 

Oversimplification/Dishonesty: In general, Huckabee avoided Romney’s foreign fear-mongering, but was guilty of some more in-character, down-home domestic whitewashing. Laundry lists of Americans going through hard times—a working mom needing a car, an airline baggage handler taking a pay cut—reinforce the idea that government is a benevolent problem-solver, or needs to give hand-outs to those who are down in the count. Plus, these stock characters have been starring in convention speeches for decades, and they’re not much more than emotional pandering. -10 points. 

Rhetoric: Here, Huckabee is the anti-Romney. He said most of the same things—even brought up the “elite media” and “European ideas”—but managed to make them all sound more smooth, more reasoned, and decidedly more worthy of voting for. By and large, his zings were firm but not mean-spirited, funny but not lame or cheap. Only once did he slide into his usual addiction to the overlong, marginally-related anecdote—this one relating to soldiers earning schoolchildren’s desks for them by serving in the military. Okay, we kind of get it. -5 points.

Party Motifs: None. -0 points.

Sportsmanship: Huckabee began with an eloquent, seemingly sincere acknowledgment of Obama’s historic campaign. “So, I say with sincerity that I have great respect for Senator Obama’s historic achievement to become his party’s nominee — not because of his color, but with indifference to it. Party or politics aside, we celebrate this milestone because it elevates our country.” While it was embarrassingly unapplauded, Huck gets class points for doing the right thing. -0 points.

Bonus points: One particularly effective bit of Huck’s address had him successfully, deftly undercutting the notion that, just because they don’t think the government should be shelling out for individual needs, Republicans are the part of the rich and privileged. “I really tire of hearing how the Democrats care about the working guy as if all Republicans grew up with silk stockings and silver spoons. … I’m not a Republican because I grew up rich, but because I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life poor, waiting for the government to rescue me.” +5 points.

TOTAL SCORE: 90 points

Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City

Rudy Giuliani, the mayor of New York, as he helpfully reminded us, started out by informing delegates that “We the people”—the citizens of the United States—get to decide our next president.” Excluding media and Hollywood celebrities, who have apparently forfeited citizenship.

Giuliani was like he always is—scrappy and mean. But somebody needed to be, and since he was the only ex-GOP candidate on stage without a single delegate, he had the least to lose.

Oversimplification: “When they gave up on Iraq they were giving up on America.” -5 points

Rhetoric: Long-winded and frequent veering into cliché, including “Tough times require strong leadership,” and “In choosing Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate, John McCain has chosen the future. -5 points

Party Motifs: Giuliani was heavy on the Reagan references: one reference to McCain as a “proud foot-soldier in the Reagan Revolution,” one Reagan / McCain comparison and one hijacking of Reagan’s “city on a hill” quote. He also dropped one lengthy paragraph where every sentence begins with the phrase “We are the party” strung together with some form of the word “freedom.” -10 points

Sportsmanship: Giuliani highlighted Obama’s missed votes, scatter-brained Georgia response, and his flip-flops on wiretapping, public financing and Israel. Meanest lines: “Barack Obama has never led anything,” “I hope for his sake, Joe Biden got that VP thing in writing,” and “Here’s some free advice: Senator Obama, next time just call John McCain.” -20 points

Bonus points: He only mentioned 9/11 once! +4 points.

TOTAL SCORE: 64 points

Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska, Republican nominee for Vice President

The big speech of the night, breathlessly awaited by Fox News (and immediately praised by Brit Hume). This was Sarah Palin’s big chance to, as she said, speak directly to America without filter, and to right the teetering ship that has been the McCain campaign as they weather the media doing the veep-vetting they might should have done ahead of time. The speech wasn’t real oratory, and probably won’t go down in history, but we think it did the job. Here’s the numbers:

Oversimplification/Dishonesty: An overhanging feeling that Palin was sensationalizing her own record was difficult to pin down. Was it exaggerating? Only part of the story? She really “shook up” Alaska and booted out special interests? But since we aren't sure, props for making her resume sound impressive without any specifics.

On foreign policy, Palin delivered some Romney-esque fright-point hypotheticals that aren’t necessarily backed up by sound geopolitical expertise. Hers weren’t quite as dramatic: “terrorists might strike again at the Abqaiq facility in Saudi Arabia… or that Venezuela might shut off its oil deliveries…” -10 points

Rhetoric: Not going to lie, the beginning—extended introductions to her children (but not Bristol’s awkwardly present baby daddy) and her extended family—was a more than a bit weak. It probably played well with her target audience, but one-line shout-outs are hardly commendable rhetoric. Overall, Palin leaned a little too far toward the line-by-line stump speech, though she got away with almost all of it by sounding witty and grinning widely. Confident and poised, yes, well-thought and well-written, absolutely not. -15 points

Party Motifs: Like Peggy Noonan accidentally told the world, the GOP picked Palin for her narrative: the small-town, moose-burger-wolfing, pro-life hockey mommy. She played up the narrative with a joke that reminded everyone she’s not just a hockey mommy but a hot hockey mommy. She referenced her son Track and his fellow men and women in uniform and gave a subtle reminder that she chose life for her special needs baby. Not saying that’s bad. -0 points

Sportsmanship: She needled Obama as weak on experience and big on ego. She mocked his community organizing, his two memoirs and his self-designed presidential seals. She said he never uses the word victory except when he’s talking about his own campaign and said he would like to “forfeit” Iraq and raise taxes on basically everything. She invoked some good old Messiah imagery— “What does he actually seek to accomplish, after he's done turning back the waters and healing the planet?”—and reminded everyone of his “bitter” remark. All of the references to Obama’s “cloud of rhetoric” and the “roar of the crowd” came across like they always do—a little bit jealous. The dig at poor Obama’s styrofoam Greek columns? Just plain petty, but kind of sexy. -5 points

Bonus points: One great line that really hits Obama where it hurts, but in a way that’s more about praising her man than bashing her opponent: “In politics, there are some candidates who use change to promote their careers. And then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote change.” Also, toss in the previously-mentioned winning smile and the improbably effective aggression. +5 points

TOTAL SCORE: 75 points

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David Sessions is editor of Patrol. Alisa Harris is deputy editor of Patrol.