Well, people, we have come to the end of another week in which a lot of the same stories we’ve been harping on just refuse to go away. Everything was about torture this week, which is sad, because really, who wants to think about all that awful waterboarding? In today’s completely curse-free edition of The Morning Gossip, we’ve got a one-sentence guide to all the torture torture, a review of what the popular people did, and a few things for you to do in the three days until we meet again.

 Rogue, angsty Fox News anchor Shepard Smith has @#$%ing had it with this torture business: on Fox’s little web TV show The Strategy Room, Shep did some on-air fist-pounding and F-bomb dropping. This is the point we know for sure that Keith Olbermann will lose his show someday.

Torture Week roundup: Pressure continues to mount for Obama to prosecute Bush administration torturers (especially after the news that we waterboarded one terrorist 183 times). Obama said he didn’t want that, but keeps waffling and contradicting himself; it will be hard to pull off legally, will cost him dearly. Wild prediction: after we get past all the attempts to score political points with this, it probably won’t happen.

–Speaking of President Barack Obama, he’s on the cover of Time this week for the – wait for it – thirteenth time in the past twelve months. At least this time we get to see a different side of him.

–Sad Wasillan Levi Johnston, after saying he might press charges against those baby-hogging Palins, spoke with Larry King last night. He says he’s a “small kind of guy,” which, though we get what he’s getting at, is just not something most guys would say. (Also: he broke up with Bristol because “a lot of people bothered us.” Aw.)

–A dirty little prankster doctored a tape of Beyonce singing “If I Were A Boy,” and Howard Stern and people on the internet who know nothing about singing believed it was really her. Her dad threw a weird hissy fit, and then the whole story came out. Whew.

Weekend Reading: Go out and buy a copy of Texas Monthly (the one with Joel Osteen on the cover), and read this story about the life of paralyzed high school football player John McClamrock. It will make you a better person. (Slideshow narrated by the author here.)

–If you want to at very least hate America with ever fiber of your being and at worst possibly consider ending it all, then read this here headline.

Kevin Roose, a 21-year-old Brown University student, went undercover for a semester at the late Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, and then wrote a book essentially saying those Christian college kids are more normal than you’d think. Oh yeah, Kevin, speaking of “having no idea,” you’re mostly right about all this, but your book’s tagline (“America’s holiest university”) is tooootally wrong.

Note: don’t forget to be-fan the Patrol Facebook page so you can get cool little article links in your news feed and comment on them with us. All of you who beg for article comments, this is your chance.

–Miss California Carrie Prejean stared down gay blogger Perez Hilton at the Miss America pageant this week and defended her belief that marriage “should be between a man and a woman.” Miley Cyrus sweetly consoled the pouting Perez on Twitter, telling him, “Jesus loves you and your partner and wants you to know how much he cares.”

–The Cannes Film Festival has released its official lineup for 2009, and it includes Quentin Tarantino’s Nazi gorefest Inglourious Basterds.

New Yorkers take note: The roof garden at the Metropolitan Museum of Art opens next Tuesday, and this looks like a spring art must-see.

Well, that's it for this week. Until we gather again for the latest and juicest, enjoy yourselves, and don't read anymore articles about torture or the economy.

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